date: — 13/5/2022 —
mood: getting better
song: (J.S.S) by straightjacket nation
been feeling totally lost and depressed since my birthday and have been on another hiatus from my fansites and socials. i hate this shit. my trauma anniversary was on may 4th so it’s usually like this for the first two weeks of may. i’m grateful it’s been the best year so far and i’m hopeful about recovery and healing and yada yada. I’ll pop back up when my social tank has been refuelled.
xx V
date: — 28/4/2022 —
mood: ennui?
song: glorybox by portishead
i had a brutal 4 day hangover after my birthday night out with my friends, I’ll be slowly getting back on track soon i hope, but i can’t make any promises for the next 2 weeks tho as its my trauma anniversary in a few days so I’ll be staying offline and trying to enjoy myself/distract myself as much as possible.
xx V
date: — 15/4/2022 —
mood: happy but not
song: sex type thing – stone temple pilots
i ventured out into the world today to the local easter fair and omg it was INTENSE. i’m such an anti-social caterpillar rn, everyone was buzzing about at hyper speed and i was like what the fuck is going on? children are chaotic as fuck. i don’t know how my friends do it. i can’t even care for myself let alone another, or 2 whole ass humans. damn. now i’m stoned listening to stone temple pilots. i’m gonna film today or tonight, for the first time in a month, even tho i still haven’t fucking edited my last video from march to upload, i’m just gonna film a quick show with my iphone via obs so all i have to do is film, make minor cuts, save + upload. i also wanna make some foot fetish stuff to post on my fansites. ohh and i also just bought a “vlogging kit” which has a portable iphone light and gimbal so i can film some close up stuff with someone else.
xx V
date: — 13/4/2022 —
mood: idk?? bipolar nothingness
song: common burn – mazzy star
it’s 10.58am, it’s a kind of cold morning. april is turning summer into autumn and it’s warm less and less. the sun still has some bite to it, so sid (my dog) lays on the old sectional that’s on my balcony. we live in a busy part of the town, so he barks at people standing, chatting with their coffee cups beside a grassy hill that children sometimes play on.
i’m drinking a coffee and smoking a joint, i have a headache, outside my skull is pain, but inside feels like it’s full of cotton wool.
i need to take sid for a walk. and shower. and wash my hair.
in the kitchen, i have weed butter simmering on the stove for the third and final hour. strange – i don’t feel productive most days, but i guess i am.
kinda hard to realise how hard you’re kicking, let alone appreciate it, when your only focus is keeping your head above water.
xx V
date: — 11/4/2022 —
mood: happy
song: immigrant song – led zeppelin
things are coming together finally – trying to put less pressure on myself to “pump out content” and instead focus on having fun and doing what feels good, getting a lil bit of work done when i feel emotionally overwhelmed is better than nothing, so everyone will just have to deal. i’m gonna go make some pizza and schmoke a doobie.
xx V
date: — 9/4/2022 —
mood: 97% procrastinating, 3% productive
song: after dark – mr.kitty
feeling good so i made pizza and have been editing screenshots of my latest video so hopefully I’ll be able to tackle the editing and get it uploaded asap. my brain is still jello. it feels so weird to be doing normal, nothing things while there’s a war going on. every time i open social media i feel like i’m hit by a wave of information that just makes me feel anxious n worried. it’s not a fun vibe. anyway, i’m posting new photos on my fansites right now so go look at them!
xx V
date: — 6/4/2022 —
mood: chilled, stoned & hopeful
song: angel dust – venom
i repotted some plants today and organised my new office, so my brain is feeling good. i’m excited to be able to stream, but also nervous too. i always feel like i have to be super entertaining on live but i guess I’ll just hang out and masturbate? my webcam is HD and can go on a tripod so i’m set up for some fun times.
xx V
date: — 5/4/2022 —
mood: stoned & happy
song: worst intentions – i experienced love
feeling better in the brain today – much less scattered than the last few weeks. having a ptsd/depression/bipolar episode basically throws my whole brain and life in a blender so i’m constantly having to rebuild everything from scratch – like literally relearning how to function as an adult – ie remember to brush my teeth, shower, care for my pets, and eat dinner. obviously it makes it really hard to create content and be active online when i can’t even care for my own basic needs.
xx V