v's diary

i’m back. in your mind. your vision. your heart. your little screen. it’s been a while.

i’ve been in exile, on a treacherous journey through hell and purgatory, to reach heaven. the descent into hell is easy, but crawling out is torturously laborious. or however virgil said it.

i can’t hide from the inevitable, i guess it’s my destiny to pursue creating erotic and pornographic art, as well as continuing to learn, grow and develop my knowledge and understanding of everything about the human psyche. particularly the psychology of sexuality, relationships, oppression, inequality, & gender, as well as pursuing my endless theories about emotional immaturity and abuse. i want to move away from the clockwork content cycle, it’s not how i want to create content – well i don’t even want to create “content”, i want to create art. i dropped out of university where i was doing a double degree in graphic design and marketing. i couldn’t stand the idea of being a human art factory. i’m fascinated by human behaviour and how we feel about beauty, be it nature or a purely post-modern man made creation. so while i love marketing and design as concepts and practices, i am first and foremost, an artist.

creating for profit on a schedule will never work with me. i am a documenter, a writer, an artist who wants to both capture and create. i’ve declared this year as my year of creativity, specifically art and music.
i realised i won’t be able to go back to university until i’m a rich bitch, so without the degrees i would love to have, to be able to talk and write about relationships, mental health, coping mechanisms, identity, society, trauma, & gendered issues… i just have to be an artist, a muse, a coach, a paid girlfriend, an informal healer, an entertainer.

there are certainly worse fates.

i want to do more than just churn out videos, i want to create a sense of connection, both online and offline. but i also wanna do some super slutty fun stuff too.
V xx

date: — 27/09/2022 —
mood: joyful
song: pour some sugar on me – def leppard

I have been going THRU it this winter. My season depression usually takes me out from april to october, but the great sunny september weather has put a spring back in my step for my return.

i’m really searching for new inspiration for my new content, I still haven’t nailed down how to make videos that give the feeling & look that I want, but i’m working on it. i want creating content to be fun again, coz it got kinda unfun and repetitive for me and my creative brain. doing the same thing repeatedly isn’t what makes me happy. here’s to an on-season full of experimenting.

xx V

date: — 3/4/2023 —
mood: hopeful + happy!
song: phantom – vestron vulture

fuck, i can’t believe i haven’t posted in so long!! 5 bloody months!
i’ve been going thruuuuuuu it these past few months, but in a good way. my ptsd is finally chilling the fuck out, and the overwhelming symptoms like flashbacks, nightmares, daily panic attacks & hypervigilance have all slowly faded out to a shadow of what they once were. Which led to me being undiagnosed with bipolar disorder, and questioning my racing thoughts and inability to stay organised.
Well, today I got my ADHD diagnosis and I feel like, for the fucking first time in my life, I have a foot on solid ground.
I’m actually excited to try medication and I really hope this enables me to become a more consistent and committed person (and a successful business babe who could go back to university!!).
I’m also really excited for this month, not just because it’s my birthday month and the cannabis holiday season, but because i’m gonna be making more content and (hopefully) streaming on ePlay and maybe MFC. I kinda wanna have a lil cam bday party , idk it could be cute.
It feels good to be getting back to being a real-life human in the real world, instead of being a half-empty person-shaped shell in trauma world.

xx V

date: — 26/11/2022 —
mood: kicking ass and determined
song: gimme the cure by fugazi

i’m finally feeling a bit better, thank fuck! ptsd has fried my brain so hard, but friends and lovely subscribers makes me happy, so i’m managing to pull myself thru this extra long winter fog thats lasted most of spring too.
i’ve cleaned and reorganised my office, i’m exercising again, smoking less weed and allowing my brain to handle my stress rather than blazin’ it away. now i just gotta get my self-esteem back into gear so i feel like a sexy bad bitch again, instead of sad stoned human puddle.
i’m finally horny again, and i really wanna get back to filming, and even start streaming regularly. i’m just trying to work hard on gettin my life together, and the more together it is, the more horny i am, the more creative i am, and the sluttier i wanna be. i wanna create really cool videos, i’ve done my dash with getting the lighting perfect, now i want to explore different lighting ideas, and hopefully audio in the future, i’d love to do an up-close asmr slow mo cumming video with lots of moaning and squelchy noises and the focus shifting between the foreground and background, my face and my pussy.

anyway, mental health rules, rock on. i very much appeciate my wonderful subscribers + followers, the love + gifts make me feel so appreciated.

xx V

date: — 16/9/2022 —
mood: still struggling
song: a forest by the cure

I’m so grateful for the subscribers that have stuck by me during my boring season! spring is days away and i’m still half a person, but i’m feeling hopeful that i’ll have a spring in my step soon and be back in control of my life. i am still doing custom videos tho so i haven’t lost my smut mojo! i’m striving to get my depressed ass out of bed and living a happy, healthy, and horny life again.

xx V

date: — 28/7/2022 —
mood: depressed but coming up
song: christian woman – type o negative

i’m deep in the winter blues right now, but there’s only a month or so until the first sign of spring are to be expected. i did spot some cheeky wattle blooming though, so maybe there’s hope for an early spring, and therefore, an early release from this dreary hell that is my body. i need to start living 6 months in the northern hemisphere for my mental health. there’s even more motivation to make big bucks.

i’ve mostly been thinking about self-hosting my content on a vps instead of dropbox, and improving my website. i’ve been thinking much less about being a sexy spitfire with an addiction to anal. being horny is something that only happy me seems to access sadly. however my inspiration for filming is still burning so i’m still thinking about what to create next, and how to improve my filmmaking skills. i think my audio needs improving and i still haven’t figured out how to upgrade that. but i can’t film any great fuck machine videos until I do because the audio is unbearable with that damn motor.

I’ll be back to making new videos soon, i just have to get to force myself to do the dishes and exercise for my mental health and then my brain will heal and I’ll be able to be horny again.

xx V

date: — 21/7/2022 —
mood: okay
song: fantasy by mariah carey

okay so my brain is basically permanently fried, at least for the next few months until winter and the new meds really kick in. seasonal depression and c-ptsd has me DOWN! i’m taking things so slow and just vibing, whilst low-key having a mental breakdown every other day.

some day i’ve been feeling myself, but mostly not, so i haven’t been able to put out much content in the past few weeks. but soon i’ll be back in the groove and making sexy filthy content.

xx V

date: — 4/6/2022 —
mood: okay
song: bela lugosi’s dead (cover) by nouvelle vague

omg my brain has been fried since my birthday and I’ve spent all my time just trying to rebuild n chill, ya know?
my brains always a hectic mess but it’s been more so the entire month of may. now i’m getting back on my bullshit. i cleaned my house, rearranged my office, started moving more than the bare minimum, and made food with real vegetables, of multiple fucking varieties!!! big changes okay! for a while there i’d regressed to a pizza and coffee only diet and i was NOT feelin cute, and since that’s the feeling that fuels my horniness and my desire to post on my fansites, it’s not been happening at allllll.
anyway, i’m gettin back on my hot horny metal girl shit, so from here on out it’s just me and you ~ horny vibes onlys ~
i want posting on my fansites to feel more like entering subspace than being an organizational blackhole that raises my anxiety like it has been for the past few months after i burnt myself out having barely any fun with it. like the whole thing is supposed to be fun, but it became more about making sure i posted shit on twitter and reddit to get more subscribers, and then diversifying with different platforms because onlyfans fucked us over – from which i have not recovered.
so it was super disheartening to had worked full time for a year on it and have half my subscribers leave coz onlyfans flip-flopped on porn.
i like onlyfans interface coz it feels more personal. same with fansly. but onlyfans hates piss content and probably enema content too if they went thru my customs, so basically their rules harsh my dirty filthy slut vibes. i tried a bunch of other sites but onlyfans is still my fave to use, followed by fansly. so i’m not using my pocketstars anymore (i keep getting new subs and have to keep posting, keeping the page active. vicious cycle) and i’m gonna ditch my fancentro too.
i also wanna find a guy to shoot bdsm + anal content with but onlyfans doesn’t allow 4 limb bondage + it weird about squirting so its really just no fun hahaha. fansly is down with that stuff tho thank fuck.

i need to start thinking about my fansly and onlyfans as my personal horny posting/subspace instead of… idk, worrying about and copying what everyone else is doing, and all the business shit. idk it stresses me out. i need an assistant to post my stuff everywhere so i can get a couple of thousand subscribers so i just have to think about being a horny slut with no other thoughts in my head. my mental health is too much for the stacks of work it takes to be a successful adult content creator without already having a huge following of adoring fans.
i don’t wanna have to blow up on instagram but like, how da fuck is my onlyfans gonna fall into ur laps otherwise u know, haha.
so unless someone wants to be my daddy and tell me how to show off my hot pussy and asshole, i just have to daddy myself.
i think i’m gonna hook up my fuck machine and fuck myself stupid tonight just for fun.

xx V